I think I'm ready to share...

As you can probably tell from the title, this isn't going to be a light-hearted post. There's something Dan & I have been keeping to ourselves for the last nine months, and now that we feel we've had enough time to process everything that's happened, we're ready to share what's been going on. I don't normally share personal issues on my blog, but this time, it somehow feels therapeutic to put things in writing.

As you all know by now, I'm pregnant! Dan & I couldn't be more excited, and we can't wait to welcome this little one into our family this summer! What you don't know, is that this is not my third pregnancy...or even my fourth. This is actually number five. So, here it goes...

In spring of 2010, Dan and I decided that we were ready to try for Baby #3, so we were delighted when we got that positive pregnancy test! I started feeling extremely tired right away, and I had lots of food aversions. Everything was just as it should be in early pregnancy, so we had no reason to suspect that anything was wrong. We were looking forward to Baby #3 joining our family. Without warning, I started bleeding (something that didn't happen at all with my first two pregnancies). I knew something was very wrong, so I rushed to the ER where, after several hours of waiting in a room alone with no idea what was happening, I was told that I was no longer pregnant. It took everything I had not to break down right there in front of the doctor. So I rushed out of the hospital, and the moment I sat down in the driver's seat of my car, I burst into tears. I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life. I honestly wanted to die, because it felt like too much to handle. After having two wonderful little boys in my life already, I knew exactly how precious and fragile that baby was. I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent that miscarriage, but I couldn't help but feel like it was somehow my fault. During pregnancy, a mother is supposed to do everything she can to keep her baby safe and healthy, and I wasn't able to do that. I had failed my baby. I cried for weeks, months. I couldn't handle being around other people, so I avoided every single social event that I was invited to for a few months, with two exceptions. The day I miscarried was the day before Father's Day, and two days before Mason's first birthday. That Father's Day was also the day of Mason's baby dedication at church. I so badly wanted to cancel his dedication and stay home, but my mommy guilt kicked in, and I couldn't let my issues affect my kids. So I managed to hold it together long enough to make it through the dedication, but the moment it was done, we went home. Then we had Mason's birthday party the next day, and thankfully, it was just family, because we had told our family what had happened so I knew they would understand if I suddenly burst into tears. I felt so torn because I wanted to be excited for Mason on his big weekend and all his milestones, but I also wanted to crawl into bed and hide. I was so thankful once those events were over, because then I could stay home and focus on processing everything that had happened.

We spoke to our family doctor about the miscarriage, and he suggested that we wait a while before trying to get pregnant again. So we waited, and eventually we got that wonderful positive test again. We were so excited! I had been waiting to get pregnant again, because I just wanted to get back to where we had left off. But as excited as we were, we couldn't help but feel like the baby could be taken away from us again. I felt very guarded. Sure enough, a few days after we got the positive test, I started bleeding again. I knew right away what was happening, and I didn't bother going to the ER. A few days later, we told our family doctor the situation, and he ordered some bloodwork to confirm what we already knew. I couldn't believe that we were reliving the same nightmare. Not only did I have a tough time dealing with a second miscarriage, but I started to worry that something was wrong with me, and that we wouldn't be able to have another baby. It was a little frustrating to find out that the doctors won't do any testing (fertility, etc.) until you've had three miscarriages. So all we could do was wait and see.

Thankfully, after all of this, we were able to get pregnant again! I am now approx. 13 weeks along, and I got to see our baby at an ultrasound. He/she has a healthy heartbeat, and was moving around a lot (even the ultrasound technician mentioned that the baby was really active!), so that was a big relief. However, we are always aware that nothing is certain, and that we can't take this baby for granted. We pray that the rest of this pregnancy will go smoothly with no complications, and if all goes well, we'll get to meet this precious little one in about six months!